That’s a little bit about what Shiva is and does. It’s a time-honored Jewish tradition whereby loved ones are truly allowed the time to mourn and grieve the loss of their beloved deceased, a time during which they don’t focus on anything else.

Not just “time off to mourn”

If you’re not Jewish, you might be thinking, “How lucky! Those who sit Shiva get seven days’ vacation off of work to do this.” However, that’s not what it’s all about. Sitting Shiva is an intense process that’s not meant to be “fun,” or simply as a period of time where mourners get some “time off,” but instead is meant to truly allow for the grieving and then readjustment to life without the beloved, morning that occurs whenever they lose someone close to them. Those who sit Shiva do not focus on any entertainment, anything that feels good or gives pleasure. They shun these practices for the time being, with, again, the focus solely on grieving and on remembering their loved one. They honor the deceased with their time and attention, and themselves by allowing a full spectrum of feelings to be expressed.

While expressing grief is sometimes seen as “bad,” or wrong, that’s not true in the Jewish tradition. Instead, mourners are actually encouraged to let feelings of grief flow, so that they can express, release, and then slowly get back to normal living.

Help from the community and friends

One of the things that happens during Shiva is that those who are in morning don’t do any of the tasks of daily living unless they absolutely must – most who are sitting Shiva don’t go to work, don’t do chores, and don’t do anything except to focus on remembering and mourning the deceased. Because of that, they need help from the community and family to accomplish these tasks.

If you are a non-Jewish friend, you may be thinking that you would like to help a friend who’s going to be sitting Shiva, but it’s always advised that you should ask before you simply walk in and began “helping.” The rabbi or a family member who is not sitting Shiva should be able to tell you she can help and if so, what you can do.

Those who sit Shiva cannot:

· Enjoy most forms of entertainment

· Get his or her hair cut

· Bathe, except for sponge baths necessary for strict hygiene – and then, bathing should be done with cold water

· Shave

· Wear clean clothes, unless changing is absolutely necessary for hygiene purposes

· Work

· Wear leather shoes

· Read the Torah (except for specific parts related to grief and mourning)

· Use anything that might support vanity, including cosmetics, oil, lotion, perfume, etc.

· Have physical relations with one’s spouse

Behavior

Behavior during Shiva is also important. Those who sit Shiva cannot use the normal “lighthearted” greetings or expressions like “Hi,” “How are you?”, “Good morning,” or even, “Shalom.” In fact, the mourner does not offer any sort of greeting, in general, although he or she may nod his or her head in recognition if a greeting has been offered by someone who doesn’t know that the mourner is observing Shiva.

If you’re visiting someone who is sitting Shiva, you may certainly offer your condolences, although you should not expect much more than a “thank you.” Oftentimes, those sitting Shiva do talk – but they usually talk about the deceased, memories of the deceased, and other conversation related to mourning.

What about work?

We in Western society are so used to having the need for a paycheck circumvent just about anything else that it seems odd that those who sit Shiva won’t work during that period – but indeed, this is almost always done unless the person sitting Shiva is the sole breadwinner for him- or herself or family. During Shiva, work is considered a distraction from mourning. It’s generally even true that if someone owns a business, he or she must close it while sitting Shiva — even if there’s a partner who won’t be sitting Shiva during the time. If extreme financial need requires that a business be open and no one else is there to run it, then and only then can someone work during the time of mourning, and then only as much is absolutely necessary.

There may also be times in professions where the work at hand takes precedence over Shiva. A doctor, for example, may still practice medicine during Shiva if necessary, and other exceptions also apply. If one must attend to young children or elderly parents, for example, this is also allowed.

Chores, too, can be done – although it’s advised to have others do this during the time of Shiva so that again, mourning remains the sole focus.

Entering and leaving the Shiva house

The Shiva house is the place where the mourners and visitors gather to remember the beloved deceased. Usually, but not always, this is the deceased’s home. Those who are sitting Shiva are not allowed to leave the Shiva house during the seven days of mourning, except on Jewish holidays and on Shabbat. If one must leave the house, it has to be done after dark. If going out during the day is an absolute necessity, it should be at least avoided for the first three days of mourning.

A recognition of immediate family members

Someone can sit Shiva when he or she is Jewish and his or her immediate family member has died. Family members who sit Shiva can be father, mother, sister, brother, husband, wife, son or daughter of the deceased; traditionally, Shiva lasts for seven days, but some have now shortened the period of time to three. This gives those who deeply mourn time to simply sit and reflect on a loved one’s passing, to heal, to share memories – and grief – with friends and family, and to receive support and comfort.

Many traditions see grieving as a private matter – and indeed, sitting Shiva can be “private” in that is not shared with the public at large, but with Shiva, grief is a matter to be shared both with family and with the community. While usually only the immediate family of the deceased sits Shiva, friends and more distant family members fully participate in roles of support and comfort.

For example, those who sit Shiva usually do not do any sort of work, chores, or anything outside of the Shiva house for the time Shiva is to take place. They will need someone to help with chores and errands, to help manage things, clean house, greet guests as they arrive to pay their condolences, and so on. It is considered a great honor to be able to help in this way, and indeed the practice is fully embraced by most in the Jewish tradition.

When one is a visitor at the Shiva house

If you are not of the Jewish faith and you want to visit and offer your condolences, you are absolutely welcome to do so. Again, while mourning is certainly a “private” matter in that the public at large is not welcome, friends of the deceased – even those who are not of the Jewish tradition – are absolutely welcome to come and pay their respects. You can certainly come to the Shiva house, sit and listen to those who sit Shiva share memories of the deceased, and provide comfort simply with your presence there. Although this isn’t a social call in that you will not be exchanging pleasantries and “having fun,” it’s a unique way to truly feel close to friends and offer your respects in a way that is humble and heartfelt.　

Can you help when someone is sitting Shiva even if you’re not Jewish?

While visitors are absolutely welcome at the Shiva house even if they’re not of the Jewish faith, the matter may be a little more sensitive when it comes to actually “helping” organize the Shiva house, clean, do chores, or bring food if you haven’t been asked to. You can certainly offer to help; your offer of help will be received most gratefully, but you should ask either the rabbi or a family member who is not sitting Shiva whether or not your efforts would be welcome. If your offer is gracefully declined, don’t be hurt or surprised. You can still honor the deceased and his or her family by paying your condolences.

You may feel at a loss, though, because you don’t know what to bring. It’s important to check and see whether or not it’s even appropriate to bring anything to the Shiva call. It may be, for example, that other friends and family have already arranged to provide food, so that nothing else will be necessary.

There’s also the question of whether or not what you bring should be kosher. Many, but not all, are strictly observant of Jewish kosher laws, such that certain foods or certain combinations of foods are forbidden. If you have any questions, contact the rabbi or a family member who is not sitting Shiva and ask.

What can you bring if food is welcome?

If you’ve been told that it’s appropriate for you to bring food with you when you pay a Shiva call, ask what is needed. Fulfilling a specific request is almost certainly easier than trying to figure out what is kosher, what is not, what is acceptable, what is not, what’s in abundance at the Shiva house already, what is not, and so on.

· A kosher platter, or other kosher foods

Many grocery stores (including those in the neighborhood of the Shiva house, perhaps) carry specific foods that are deemed kosher. Specific kosher platters may also be available, as may kosher baskets; these are items that are carefully assembled to contain only kosher foods. Again, if you’re uncertain, ask what you can bring, and ask at the grocery store before you buy so that you’re sure that what you’re buying is appropriate. Don’t be afraid to ask; most who observe kosher laws are generally very understanding of those who don’t understand what’s allowed and what is not; they will be very happy to help you fulfill your request.

· Yourself

Remember, although you may want to help and bring food to the house, the most important thing about paying a Shiva call is that you are honoring the deceased and his or her loved ones with your presence.

When you arrive, you may wish to offer your gift of food to the person who’s clearly handling the food for the Shiva sitting, if available. If not, approach someone to ask what you can do with your gift. You should not approach anyone sitting Shiva to ask them what should be done, however.

Once you have divested yourself of your food gift, approach the person who is sitting Shiva and offer your condolences, quietly. Simply saying, “I’m sorry for your loss” or something similar is enough. Then, sit quietly and let the mourner direct the conversation, if any. Your silent comfort and support is enough, and is very welcome at the Shiva house.

Why is this so? Because although many might see grieve as something to hide, or something to be embarrassed about (after all, it’s messy and emotional, we look unkempt, and we are most certainly not in control of ourselves when we grieve), that’s not true in Judaism. Although overly dramatic expressions of grief simply for the sake of being dramatic are certainly frowned upon, honest expressions of heartfelt grief are not only acceptable, but actually encouraged. Mourning and loss are part of the cycle of life. When loss occurs, feeling grief and entering a state of bereavement are to be expected.

What can you do to comfort those who are sitting Shiva?

If you’re not of the Jewish faith, you can still offer comfort by doing what’s called a Shiva call. You visit the Shiva house, pay your condolences, and spend some time with the bereaved silently communing while they share memories of the deceased, if they so choose.

Can you bring a gift to a Shiva call?

It’s usually best to contact someone who’s not sitting Shiva but who is nonetheless close to the family, such as a Jewish friend or a family member not sitting Shiva, and request to bring a gift with you on your Shiva call if you want to. You’ll need to check first, for several reasons. If you bring in food, for example, you may need to make sure that it is kosher if the family observes kosher law – or the family may not need more food delivered, at all. It’s often true, for example, that the one thing will be in abundance at the Shiva house is food. Therefore, it’s not necessary to bring more and may even cause difficulty for the family.

Another reason it’s important to check before you bring a gift to the Shiva house is that the family may wish something else instead of what you had in mind. While some traditions may not frown upon flowers, candy or liquor, for example, it’s not appropriate to bring one of these with you as a gift when you make a Shiva call. It may be suggested that you donate to the deceased’s favorite charity instead, or bring something else that’s needed at the house.

What do you do at a Shiva call?

The most important thing to remember about a Shiva call is that you are there to comfort. However, it’s very easy to make a mistake when you pay your condolences even though you mean well. For example, don’t say, “At least (the deceased) isn’t suffering anymore,” even if you think it’s appropriate. Why? Because when you make a statement like that, you are clearly trying to comfort yourself, not the mourner – and your task as a visitor is to provide comfort to the mourner.

What is appropriate? Simply sit in silence. It’s perfectly fine to say something like, “I’m sorry for your loss,” or something similar, but you don’t have to say anything at all. Your presence there is enough; let the mourner talk or not as he or she wishes, while you listen and offer comfort.

Sitting Shiva takes place at the Shiva house, usually the residence of the deceased. It’s highly desired but not absolutely necessary to have all members who are sitting Shiva to stay the Shiva house during the time of Shiva. However, if it’s not possible to house everybody at the Shiva house during Shiva, family members who sit Shiva arrive at the Shiva house before sunrise and leave after sundown.

A complete dismissal of worldly cares

As much as is possible, this time of Shiva is a complete dismissal worldly cares. As little as possible is done in this regard. Those who sit Shiva usually do not go to work or school. Mothers, of course, may still need to take care of small children, but chores, too, are ignored as much as is possible. Friends and family who are not actively sitting Shiva step in to take care of these things.

If you want to help someone sitting Shiva

If you’re not actively sitting Shiva yourself but you want to assist someone who is, you don’t even need to be part of Jewish tradition, necessarily. Ask the rabbi or a close family friend or family member (who is not sitting Shiva) for advice on this. You may be able to run errands or to help with chores like cleaning or cooking as a means of support. Such efforts are generally welcomed, although they shouldn’t simply be done without permission. Ask first, and don’t simply go barging in and announce your presence.

Visiting or making the Shiva call

Although sitting Shiva is a time of isolation, reverence, self-reflection and “aloneness” for those who observe it, it’s also a time of gathering around those who sit Shiva. Therefore, those outside of the Jewish tradition are usually entirely welcome to make a Shiva call; in fact, this is seen as a great honor. If you wish to make a Shiva call, of course you should ask if this is something that would be welcome before you simply pay a visit (again, ask the Rabbi or a family member who’s not actively sitting Shiva).

Once you arrive for your Shiva call, you do not have to announce your presence and should simply be able to walk into the Shiva house without special invitation. Once there, simply sitting with the bereaved and offering quiet words of condolence is enough. Sometimes, words are not necessary in that simply being there is enough. Sit with the bereaved and let him or her talk about memories of the beloved, or simply sit in companionable silence; let the bereaved determine how the visit will go, in other words.

Once you’ve spent about 20 minutes at the Shiva house, you may take your leave if you wish; follow others’ lead and stay as long as you see other visitors staying.

It may sound austere and strict, but indeed, this structure may be what gives comfort. An adherence to tradition, a “format” to follow with mourning when one is too grief stricken or numb to think – indeed, it’s a time to give in to feelings of loss, to mourn and grieve openly in a society that too often wants to push such things to the side.

With a temporary shunning of and cocooning from the outside world, those who mourn can simply focus on grieving and healing.

The role of friends and family

Although the right to sit Shiva is only extended to immediate family members of the deceased such as the mother, father, brother, sister, husband, wife, or son or daughter, friend and family play a very important role, indeed. Those who sit Shiva cannot engage in any other “outside” forms of activity unless absolutely necessary. Because of that, no chores can be done, no shopping can be done, work is not done, and school is generally not attended during this time.

That’s where friends and family can step in and help. Family members who are sitting Shiva will need assistance with chores, shopping, and other necessary tasks that they simply shun for the time being. If you’re someone who wants to help a friend who is sitting Shiva, you may ask family members that are not sitting Shiva if you can help in any way.

Even if you don’t want to or can’t help in that way, though, the Shiva call is most certainly something you can do to offer your condolences and comfort for those who sit Shiva. Both those who observe Jewish traditions and those who do not are absolutely welcome to make Shiva calls. In fact, it is considered a great honor to be visited by friends and family during the time of Shiva. Simply come, offer your condolences (or simply be present while loved ones share their memories), and leave when the time feels right; usually, visitors stay about 20 minutes before they take their leave, although circumstances may entice you to stay longer – and you should certainly do so if you don’t feel like you’re overstaying your welcome.

Remember, the Shiva call is not a social call. You’re not there to be entertained, even though you may generally be used to the family in the Shiva house as hosts – those in the Jewish tradition are generally very warm and welcoming, and it may feel strange to see your friend(s) sitting silent and introspective. The point of sitting Shiva, however, is to spend time grieving and going inward; those who sit Shiva shun all forms of enjoyment, including playing host to friends. However, you offer great comfort if you simply come and offer condolences, offering equally silent comfort until it’s time to leave.

Although “Shiva” means “seven,” and the period of sitting Shiva generally lasts for seven days, some traditions have shortened this to three days. Is this acceptable? Is there any difference if one sits Shiva for seven days versus three days, and if so, what?

Shiva facts

In the Jewish tradition, one is permitted to sit Shiva as a member of the immediate family of the deceased. If a father or mother, brother or sister, husband or wife, or son or daughter dies, those in the immediate family sit Shiva to honor their grief, remember their beloved with full attention, and share memories of the deceased with friends and family who visit.

Generally, those who sit Shiva shun everything of the outside world while they do so. There is no entertainment or enjoyment, no work done, nothing but remembering the deceased. Even bathing or taking care of oneself in a physical sense is frowned upon except as must be done for hygienic purposes.

Shortening Shiva

However, even though the traditional period of sitting Shiva to last for seven days, those who are obligated to sit Shiva (primary mourners as described above) may often choose to do so for shorter periods of time. Although work is generally ignored during the time of Shiva, for example, business owners are often required to take care of business needs even during Shiva as necessary. Although Shiva is not necessarily “shortened,” in that it may still last seven days for those primary mourners who can give it their full attention for the full time, there may be instances when the period of mourning is shortened to three days, especially if one has business needs to attend to that are simply practical.

Why? Tradition holds that the first three days of Shiva are those that are the most intense, focused on mourning the loss of the beloved and on one’s own grief. Traditional Jewish law states that primary mourners cannot go to work during the first three days for whatever reason (even if poor), although they can go if necessary in a practical sense after the first three days.

There’s also the question of additional burden. Sitting Shiva for a full seven days requires setting up the Shiva house and asking friends and family members to assist mourners by doing tasks like shopping, and chores like cooking, cleaning; friends and family members also play host to guests who visit and pay their respects. Although this eases mourners’ burdens and allows them to rely on others when they are feeling particularly vulnerable, it is up to each family to decide whether or not they need the full seven days of attention, comfort and rest. For many families, three days may suffice and may work better in modern times.

Why “Shiva”?

“Shiva” means “seven,” and the period of time spent sitting Shiva usually lasts seven days. It is sometimes shortened to three days in modern traditions.

The Shiva house

Sitting Shiva takes place at the Shiva house, which is usually at the home of the deceased. The aforementioned family members sit Shiva at the Shiva house during the seven days of Shiva. During that time, they don’t leave the house to do anything, usually, including going to work or school. Instead, they spend their time grieving, sharing thoughts of their beloved, and being comforted by family and other visitors.

Who doesn’t sit Shiva?

Unless one is a close family member as listed above, you don’t actually sit Shiva if you’re Jewish when you’ve lost a loved one not in your immediate family, such as an uncle, aunt or cousin. However, you may be called to assist those who are sitting Shiva; those who sit Shiva don’t do any type of work, including any kind of chores like cooking, shopping, or cleaning. Instead, friends and family members step in to fill the void, and take care of these things for those who sit Shiva.

Visiting the Shiva house

Even if you’re not of the Jewish faith, you are most welcome to visit the Shiva house and pay your respects to the deceased and comfort those who mourn. In fact, this is seen as a great honor and a great good deed. When you visit the Shiva house, it may or may not be appropriate to bring food, such as a Shiva platter; check to make sure it’s okay to do so before you bring anything, and make sure as well to follow any rules the household has about keeping kosher, if necessary.

Of course, the most important thing when you visit the Shiva house is that you are visiting to pay respects. Even if you don’t have anything to “offer” in the way of gifts to those sitting Shiva, you most certainly have your condolences and comfort to give. Simply being at the Shiva house, sitting and sharing remembrances of the deceased with loved ones, is enough.

Things you may notice at the Shiva house

You’ll probably notice that those who are sitting Shiva will look unkempt and unshaven. This isn’t simply carelessness that has come about as a result of grieving. Those who sit Shiva actively shun all physical pleasures, including hygiene specifically for comfort.

You may also notice that the mirrors are covered in the house. This is to discourage vanity and to encourage self-reflection.

You’ll notice that the atmosphere is quiet, even silent. There may be complete silence or there may be low conversation going on; depending on those who are sitting Shiva, there may even be gentle laughter as fond remembrances of the deceased are shared. As a visitor, simply follow others’ lead to determine appropriate behavior.

Who can sit Shiva?

If you are of the Jewish faith and someone in your immediate family has died, you can sit Shiva for them. If you are the father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, husband or wife of the deceased, you can sit Shiva. Other relatives and friends join you in the mourning process, although they don’t actively sit Shiva.

What does sitting Shiva actually “do”?

At its essence, what Shiva does is to open up space in mourners’ lives to actively sit and embrace their grief. It’s also a way to honor the deceased and to remember him or her during this seven-day period of mourning, time in which literally nothing else is done unless absolutely necessary.

Those of the Jewish faith who sit Shiva generally don’t do anything else for those 3 to 7 days. (“Shiva” means “seven,” hence the traditional Shiva period of seven days, although some traditions have now shortened it to three days.) That means mourners can entirely focus on their grief and on healing. Other more modern death traditions don’t give this kind of “mourning space” to grieving family and friends, simply expecting bereaved loved ones to pick up the pieces and move on. The Jewish tradition is certainly respectful of the time necessary to mourn then move on. Notably, although openly mourning and grieving during the time of Shiva is expected and even encouraged, it’s also frowned upon to be overly “dramatic” with one’s mourning.

If you’re not of the Jewish faith, can you help?

If you’re not of the Jewish faith, of course, sitting Shiva is not something you’re going to do, but you can still honor the deceased and help Jewish friends celebrate the deceased’s memory by making a Shiva call. You are very welcome to visit the Shiva house even if you’re not of the Jewish faith. It is considered a great honor, in fact, to have friends and family call during Shiva, to sit with the bereaved, offer condolences and comfort, and remember the deceased.

In addition, those sitting Shiva don’t do anything except for the “bare necessities” when they are sitting Shiva. They don’t do errands, they don’t watch any kind of entertainment or do anything for enjoyment or work, and they don’t generally even leave the house. Therefore, it falls to friends and family to pick up these tasks for those sitting Shiva until such time as they can resume life and these tasks once again. If you want to help a friend who is sitting Shiva, ask the rabbi or a close friend or family member not sitting Shiva what you can do to help. Your efforts will be most appreciated.